Hair Today

So that’s it then. I whacked fourteen inches off my head hair. Holy crap that’s a lot of hair.

I’m not much for haircuts. Consequently my hair tends to get quite long. Add to that the fact that it’s thick like rope and grows like weeds in the garden and you’ll get an idea that I have a head full of hairs. My drain gets really plugged up and I have to deal with that on a biweekly basis. Even my cat has a hard time to deal with the amount of hair I got going here. But when it starts to bunch up in my shorts I figure it’s time to make a change.

I went down to the local spa/chicks place of comfort and coiffure and got a cut. That place happens to be affiliated with another place called Locks Of Love. They make hair prosthesis for under privileged children with medical hair needs. This spa/chick hair place offered a free haircut if you were donating.

But you know the thing about chicks and cutting hair is that they just don’t understand measurement. That’s probably one reason why I’m loath to get a haircut in the first place. A half of an inch to those chicks is like three inches to the rest of the world. Maybe that’s because men have been showing them a less than accurate twelve inches all these years. Or maybe it’s to get back at us for that lack of accuracy.

People would frequently ask me, “how’d you get your hair so long?” My standard reply was, “I don’t cut it.” That perplexed many people. They figured that you have to at least cut the “split ends” off. That’s just an excuse for the hair cutting chick to whack off another three inches of hair which just took your body a year to grow. “If you want to grow your hair long,” I tell them, “then just don’t cut your hair. It’s really just as simple as that. Wash and condition regularly, but don’t fucking cut it.” They just stare at you with a blank look. Then a light goes on and they say, “but you have to cut off the dead ends.” You just look at them and know that it’s not going to get through.

If you cut your hair every two months then the hair cutting chick is going to cut off all the hair you just grew in that two months. You’ll not hardly notice it because in that two months time you’ve really only grown about a half inch of hair. That’s just enough hair to make your current style look a little unruly. You leave feeling like you’ve accomplished something because you once again look all sheveled as opposed to looking disheveled.
But the real fact is this: if it’s your goal to grow your hair out long then there will be many phases of looking disheveled. There’s no two ways around it. So for this reason I didn’t want to really have to go through many of those phases again.

My intention was to have my hair cut such that I could make a donation and still have enough hair to tie back in a pony tail. I didn’t need much of a pony tail, just one that would stay tied back. But one stipulation I had was that I don’t like to tie it back too tight because that’s not good for your hair, pulling it back so tight it makes you look fourteen years old. So she puts it in a loose pony tail and says, “so that’s nice and loose and it’s just about even with the collar.” And I’m thinking okay, that’s comfortable, and then she says, “I’ll cut above the elastic,” and I’m thinking holy crap woman, if you cut about the elastic there’s going to be hardly anything left and then I won’t be able to tie it back at all.

I convinced her to pull it down some. I gave the go ahead and she started cutting. It was kind of cold how the scissors moved through the huge root of hair. Because it must have been at least an inch in diameter, (for some reason I think that should count for something) and she had to hack through it with many snips. Each one sent chills through me.

And then she handed it to me. This big ole hair tail that I’d been carrying around for I don’t know how long. And then she wanted to just, “even things up a bit.” But I got a shampoo first. Holy crap there’s nothing like laying your head back in the chair and having your head shampooed by a chick. But then she’s all snip and check and cut and check and “oh you have such nice hair” and snip and then I’m like, “ah I think that’s probably good,” and then I’m checking it out and I can still tie it back, I think, and I’m trying to get her to stop.

She’s like “oh let me just even that up a bit more,” and this was after I said she was done.
And finally, when all’s said and done, I can in fact tie my hair all back, but I have to pull it fairly tight, and when I do that I have about a half inch (as the crow flies) of hair sticking out. It’s like a hair nub.

So here I sit with my little hair nub. But that’s okay, that’s all I need. I went right from there to the Ruby Tuesday’s and had the big beer and the nachos and the cute chicks who run the bar were noticing I cut my hair and they were all about how cool it looked so hey, what else is needed? Nothing I say.
Oh sure, I could have been all noble and kept my mouth shut about the hair donation thing. But oh no. I’m all not noble and I just keep running my mouth. And did I mention that the haircut was free? So if you think for one minute I did some good thing then forget it. At most something good may have come from my ego stroking. I guess that’s something.