Just Not Enough

Last night my phone rang. I was near the phone that doesn’t have caller ID but decided to pick it up anyway knowing that I could get trapped into some sales pitch. It wasn’t a sales pitch. Instead it was a survey and the lady assured me that it wasn’t a sales call. So I decided I’d listen for a bit.

The first question was, “what’s the highest level of education I completed?”

“College,” I answered. There was a pause by her so I added, “associates degree.”

“Oh. Just an associates,” was her reply.

It was the way she sounded bummed out about it that cracked me up. That and the way she said the word ‘just’. So I laughed out loud and said, “yeah, just an associates, sorry.” I thought she might get it. She didn’t.

“Well we’ve already used our quota of associate degrees. Is there anyone in your household with anything higher?” I told her no then she thanked me and hung up.

I didn’t even get a chance to thank her for the wonderful boost to my self esteem her call gave me. I’ll always wonder if telling her about my world famous redesigned butt probe would have made a difference.

And Now For The Steep Stuff

Well there you have it. I didn’t fall off the mountain and I didn’t end up on the news. I reached two goals. At four thirty yesterday morning Ken arrived at my house and I loaded my gear and off we went. We stopped in Freeport to pick up Eric and Dave then we headed off to the White Mountain valley. Damn that’s early.

We arrived at the base of the mountain around seven. For the whole drive the sky was mostly sunny and we could see all the mountains. All except one, the one we were going to. Where Mount Washington should have been there was only a funny looking cloud. It looked funny because it was caused in part by high winds on the peak which gave it a smooth fuzzy appearance. We went into the Pinkham’s Notch visitors center to have a nice hot breakfast before striking out. After eating we checked the weather board. Conditions on the summit were not pleasant. Something like –1.9°F with winds out of the northwest at 72mph and a wind chill of –33°. Temperature at the base was 22°. Avalanche danger was relatively low so we went down into the changing area and got on the alpine boots and various clothing layers. These boots are huge, they’re sort of like ski boots, very stiff with a hard plastic outer shell.

We decided to start without the crampons to see how that would work. At the beginning of the Tuckerman’s Ravine trail we took a couple of photos of ourselves standing in front of the sign. Dave also had a camera and he figured out how to use the self timer and set it then ran over to stand with us. We all looked at the camera with a big smile on our faces until someone asked, “How come the lens cap is on?” A classic moment. I didn’t bother to try and figure out how to use mine, I just took a picture of them. After the photo ops we started walking. Me with my giant boots, pack on my back complete with ice ax attached to it, and a camera hanging around my neck looking every bit the dopey tourist.

Within a half hour of walking on the Tuckerman’s trail I had to remove a couple layers. I was already sweating as if it were the middle of summer. The Tuckerman’s trail is a fairly nice trail. It’s wide enough for a snow cat to go up and rather smooth. The incline was like walking up a moderate hill. Fortunately there was about an inch or so of snow to give us a bit of a foothold because under that little bit of snow was total ice. There was some beautiful scenery during this portion and I took a few pictures along the way. I took this at a little bridge we had to cross. This does nothing to show how dramatic the scene was. Looking in the downstream direction we could see Wildcat mountain which was across the street from our mountain. Once again, their mountain had no clouds, only ours.

We continued up this trail for about two hours or so until we finally came to the junction of the Harvard Cross Trail. Here’s me and Eric and Dave at the signpost. I’m the one with the stupid hood that makes my head look like a penis. The Lion’s Head trail is where we were heading but that’s pointing to the summer route. In the winter you have to cut through on the Harvard and pick up the Lion’s Head winter trail. Finally we were getting close enough to the mountain so that we could see ghostly images of the higher parts of it appear through the fog above the immediate tree tops.

Once we left the Tuckerman’s trail we entered what seemed like a winter wonderland. The trail was more like a narrow path through the woods and the trees were all snow covered. I was quickly thankful for the penis head hood. This trail was still a moderate incline like the previous one but the terrain was a bit more uneven and still we could do it without the crampons. The temperature continually dropped as we climbed higher. The Harvard trail was not too long and we soon arrived at the winter Lion’s Head trail. By now the temperature was in the single digits. It was time to put on the crampons and start the steep stuff, as Ken called it. It was amazing how quickly you cooled off when you stopped moving. Time for me to put more layers on. . It was also time to eat lunch. I was still sweaty but it was getting cold and the wind was picking up the closer we got. I also put my camera away. The lens was totally fogged up anyway and I didn’t need it dragging through the snow or getting hung up on something while doing the hand over hand climbing on the steep stuff.

I stood in my crampons trying to get used to the feel of them while eating my ham and cheese roll up I brought My water was starting to ice up and I had to drink it slow so as not to get a brain freeze but I had to try and get some into me for this next bit. I looked around above the treetops trying to get glimpses of my surroundings through the cloud we were in. It was so weird. It snowed the whole time yet the sun was on us just the same. I could see the wall of earth that was looming above us. Ken came over to me and pointed at it and said, “that’s where we’re going” and I chuckled, I thought he was kidding. We finished eating and peeing and off we went. He wasn’t kidding. I wished I could have had my camera. This section was the most visually stunning and I really wanted to take pictures of it but there was just no way, not with that fogged camera in these climbing conditions with my limited experience.

Holy crap. To give you an idea of just how steep, in a quarter mile we gained twelve hundred feet vertically. For parts of the trail you can sort of walk and you do this by holding the ice ax in your uphill hand. You hold the head of it in your hand and use it as sort of a cane. The boots are way too stiff and there’s no bend in them. At that incline you can’t walk with your feet pointing in the direction you’re going, you have to angle them sort of sideways and lift your down hill foot over your uphill foot and climb that way. You have to change sides from time to time. But then we got to this section that was insane. It was like a crack in the earth with ice and rocks and roots and shit like I’ve never seen. This is where you have to use the ax like an ax, swinging it and stabbing the pick into some ice so you can pull yourself up. Here you don’t hold your feet sideways, you have to drive your toes into some ice and step up. This is why the boots are so stiff. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. I mean it was so real, so immediate, I was in awe of the whole thing. But at the same time I was very focused on the task at hand. We just picked our way up, slow and steady, one foothold at a time.

Once we got through that huge crack we could go back to the sideways foot thing with the occasional short sections of toe pointing. This type of climbing continued right to tree line. The trees were continually getting shorter and the wind was picking up, but still nothing like at the peak. The treetops were about eye level and the other parts of the mountain would every now and then appear in the mist for a few seconds before getting swallowed up once again. We were getting close to tree line and were now starting to think about what came next. At this point I knew I had done some work. I also had to bear in mind I still had to get down but I still felt good. Speaking of down, when I turned around to look from where I’d just come it looked impossible. No way did I just climb up that.

We got to tree line and there’s sort of a fork in the road where the summer trail meets the winter trail again. It was noon and we had been hiking four hours. The wind was getting strong, Ken estimated around fifty miles and hour, and we pretty much knew for sure that the summit was out of the question. Oh well, there will be other days. The question now was whether or not we continue to Lion’s Head, which is like a knob on the rim of Tuckerman’s Ravine. But that would be totally exposed and would be about forty five minutes in those winds. The ice was no longer snow covered and that felt weird walking on with the crampons. You had to trust them. You’re mind told you that you were walking on ice so you were constantly prepared to slip. There were other hikers on the trail and occasionally we would pass one or two. One guy went by us on the way up and we ran into him again as he was coming down. We met him right at tree line and he had a face mask on and his eyebrows were all icicles and he had rhime ice growing on his cheeks.

Ken said, “dude, you have rhime ice growing on your cheeks.”

The guy said, “really? Can you take a picture of it?” and he dug out his camera and handed it to me.

That was the final factor. We knew this was the end of the trail for this day. Time to go down. Just standing in the wind, taking pictures cooled me off fast. Once we got going and got back into the trees I started to warm up again.

Another reason you hold your ice ax like a cane is incase you slip and fall. At this angle you will start sliding as soon as you hit the deck. You have the ax head in your hand and you’re supposed to dig it into the ice and lean on it, while holding the bottom of the ax with your other hand, to stop yourself. In the sections of the trail where we had to walk with sideways feet there was some snow over the ice and we could slide without smashing into to many rocks and roots. So we tried this.

Holy crap, I was amazed at how fast you pick up speed. And with the trail so narrow and with so many corners I could see how easy it would be to die on this mountain. I have to say I didn’t care for the sliding too much. I kept picturing my crampons grabbing and sending me into an end over end.

Eric had said that you lean all your body into it and I soon found that was no exaggeration. We came upon another small group of hikers. I was first in line and walking at this point. Eric was behind me and still sliding with Dave behind him and Ken in the rear walking. The guy pointed out that we should take our crampons off if we’re going to slide. He said people break their legs doing that. I thanked him and told him I’d walk because there was no way I was taking those things off up there.

The biggest reason we did some sliding was so that us first timers could learn how to do it in case we needed it. I, for one, was very happy we did it as later on I had just passed two more hikers taking a break when I lost my footing and went down. Wham, zoom. I’m happy to say that I remembered what they told me and I executed my first self arrest. Ken was standing near the two guys I just passed and he later told me that one of the guys looked at his friend and said, “nice save.” It was a proud moment for me.

We got back to that crack in the earth and had to go down the same way we came up, toe points and ax pick. You look down between your legs. There were lots of roots and stuff sticking out making nice hand holds as well. I found that going down was even more freaky than going up. But again it was slow and steady, take your time, look for each hand and foot hold and take them one at a time.

And just like that, we were back at the place where we put on our crampons. Even though coming down was still careful work it was a bit quicker. We decided that we wanted to leave the crampons on for the rest of the descent. Once we got to the Tuckerman’s trail the walking was a very easy downward slope and we didn’t have to think about walking anymore. We didn’t have to really sweat and work anymore either. Everyone seemed to be elated from the experience and the rest of the trip was filled with jokes and laughter.

Never were my feet so happy as when I pulled them out of those honkin’ alpine boots. Never did an icy cold Shipyard taste as good as the one I had at a little diner on the way home. One thing I know for sure, this is not the last time I will do this.

Anticipation

I’m quite certain that I’ll have a hard time to sleep tonight. Partly because of the fact that I have to get up and be ready to leave my house at four thirty in the effing a of m, and partly from the excitement of where I’m going. Tomorrow I’m going to Mount Washington to hike as close to the top as I can get. My friend Ken is taking me and a couple of his friends. He hooked us up with boots and crampons and ice axes from the LL Bean use room. He works there so he gets all kinds of cool deals. This is the first time for me hiking there. I’ve wanted to do it for a long time but never thought I’d be doing it in the winter. Since it’s my first time I’m really hoping to get to the top. Ken has been to the top but really wants to get there again for me and the other guy. Unfortunately the weather may not cooperate with us. Right now on the summit it’s 1.9°F with a windspeed of 82mph and gusts of 95mph which equates to a wind chill of -28°F. That’s colder than Zip’s ass! Tomorrow the forecast for the valley; it should be in the mid thirties and partly cloudy, and on the summit it will again be zero with winds from 65-85mph. So we’ll play it by ear. We’ll attempt to get to a place called Lion’s Head, right around tree line. We should be shielded from most of the wind until then. At that point we’ll eat lunch and assess the situation and make the decision whether or not to continue. We have to be to the summit by two in the afternoon (or damn close to it) or else we’ll have to turn back so we can get out before dark. And yes, I’m bringing my camera.

Will I make it to the top? Will I fall off the mountain? Will I puke from sheer exhaustion? Will I do something stupid and end up on the news? Stay tuned right here folks to find out all the answers to these questions and more.

No, The Other End

It has come to pass that I am the keeper of the rectal temperature probe. How the events in my life conspired to get me to this lofty height I’m not sure but I now find myself responsible for the comfort of unsuspecting lab animals the world over. I didn’t invent this product, I’m not clever enough for that. I’m more of a keep-it-running-now-that-it-exists type of guy. I’m also an improve-it-based-on-customer-input guy. Oh yeah, and there’s the figure-out-how-to-make-it-work-when-the-vender-tells-you-that-the-minimum-buy-is-twenty-five-hundred-parts-so-you’ll-have-to-find-another-way-to-build-it guy. That’s me.

I mention this now because it has been my ongoing project for quite some time. My latest solution has been shipping for a couple of months and suddenly it’s been quiet. Where I was once hearing many complaints I’m now hearing silence. But it’s still early yet. Customers take change gradually. I have to admit I’m excited about this latest rendition though. Originally I had to make it with a smaller diameter for the comfort of the animal. I’m all about the comfort of the animal but to look at it from my end for a moment (oh look at me with the puns) it was quite an undertaking to find components to do that.

See it’s like this. There’s this little tiny device called a thermistor bead (because it looks like a little bead) and it reacts to temperature in an electrical sort of way. It has two little wires coming out of it. The trick is to first find the smallest bead you can find with the electrical characteristics you need and to put this bead into something that will allow you to insert it in the animals bum with the least amount of discomfort and at the same time, protect the bead and the wires. The little wires are very short of course so you’ll have to find a way to hook them to longer wires that you can then plug into a box which will interpret the electrical signal into some useful temperature reading.

So here’s how it went. I was tasked with upgrading the probe for two reasons. Customers were asking for a smaller diameter. The second reason was that the vendor of the original bead decided that they would need me to order a minimum of twenty five hundred beads. That’s a ten year supply. I told them to piss off and went shopping. I finally found some components that would allow me to make a smaller probe. I found a vender that would supply them in the relatively small quantities that my company would need. I got some in and I did all the redesign work including and not limited to, updating prints and bills of materials and of course work instructions on how to build said probes. I hand built some prototypes and tested them under the wettest of conditions. Water. I mean gross, what were you thinking?

But over time a flaw was uncovered. It turns out that the smaller diameter opened the door for a new failure mode. I had to scramble to find a solution. Pseudo engineer leaps into action. I whipped out my trusty three dimensional modeler and modeled up the rectal probe to end all rectal probes. After a lot of internet shopping and phone calling and emailing I finally found someone who would make this wonderful new probe housing in the quantities that I wanted. Oh happy day.

For the animals comfort we use ptfe. That’s the abbreviation of the chemical name for a product called Teflon®. That name is the registered trade mark of 3M and should only be used when referring to their brand of ptfe products. We use a generic brand. Here’s the thing. Nothing sticks to that shit. I mean nothing. I’m trying to make this thing liquid proof and I’m fighting the physics of nothing sticks to this shit. Oh we’ll just use some super glue. Beep, nope, wrong answer. Nothing sticks. And heat? Oh yeah baby. Put the heat right to it and she ain’t going nowhere. It’s fucking Teflon®. Needless to say it was quite a challenge to find a way to put a bead inside and keep liquid outside and keep the whole thing together without relying on any type of adhesive. Not even duct tape.

So anyway where was I? Oh yeah, the new butt probe. With the aid of my trusty three dimensional modeler I think I have come up with a rather spanking solution to the problem. I hope the silence I’m hearing from the customers is the proof in the pudding so to speak.

As Steve Martin once sang, “I get paid for doing this.”



Disclaimer: First of all my views are not my company’s views and please don’t hold my company responsible for something stupid I may have said or may one day say. Secondly, I love animals and I don’t believe in the mistreatment of them (nor does the company I work for). From the unique perspective of the lab animal world that I hold I understand that lab animals are treated with a great deal of respect and care and kindness. My understanding is that they are higher on the social scale than grad students. The other thing I would say about research animals is this: Would you use animals to perfect a treatment that would save your child? Okay, I’m getting way too preachy or something.