Okay sure, another year.
Here's what I do each year at this time. I sit down and write a summary of what happened to me through out the previous year. I keep a journal anyway and if I wanted to I could look up all the answers and know exactly what I did during the previous year because it's all documented. But I don't. It would feel like cheating.
Instead what I do is try to remember what I did all year. I try to remember how I felt all year. In short, what I do is try to write down the essence of what I'm left with when the year is over. What did I feel? What did I do? What do I think it all meant? That's what I write. It took me twenty three pages this year to hammer it all out. And that wasn't enough. I woke up on day two of the new year remembering more things that I could have said.
But what I really figured out, what I figure out every year at this time, is that it's just another day. What I think I'm finally figuring out is: life goes on. It would be nice to think that we could close the chapter and then open a new one. Just like that, we throw out the old calendar and buy a new one. We hang it up and start to fill it with the new dates. We write down when the phone bill and electric bill is due. We plan out what we'll do in the upcoming year. We'll make resolutions. We'll decide that this year is going to be different. We'll tell ourselves that this year will be different. We'll loose that weight. We'll get our shit together. We'll set a goal to get laid by July.
But the truth is that we go to bed on the last day of one year and wake up on the first day of another year. The difference between the two is a matter of moments. We get up and the same dirty dishes are in our sinks. We make a fresh pot of coffee and maybe we even wash those dishes. But the trash can is still half full. We might wait until day three or four before it's ready to be emptied. We put it into the shed next to the bag that's been there since the beginning of the last week of the previous year. After another week they look about the same.
So I read my little year end wrap ups and look at my new years resolutions and I find that they all say the same thing. No really, this time I'm going to loose that weight. This time I'm going to get my shit together. This time I'm going to improve. On and on the resolutions go. It's funny how each year they end up being the same thing.
Each year we decide to do the same things. We decide to get better. We decide to push on.
Maybe that's all we can do. Maybe all we really can decide at the start of another year is to do it again.
All we can do is live.
Instead what I do is try to remember what I did all year. I try to remember how I felt all year. In short, what I do is try to write down the essence of what I'm left with when the year is over. What did I feel? What did I do? What do I think it all meant? That's what I write. It took me twenty three pages this year to hammer it all out. And that wasn't enough. I woke up on day two of the new year remembering more things that I could have said.
But what I really figured out, what I figure out every year at this time, is that it's just another day. What I think I'm finally figuring out is: life goes on. It would be nice to think that we could close the chapter and then open a new one. Just like that, we throw out the old calendar and buy a new one. We hang it up and start to fill it with the new dates. We write down when the phone bill and electric bill is due. We plan out what we'll do in the upcoming year. We'll make resolutions. We'll decide that this year is going to be different. We'll tell ourselves that this year will be different. We'll loose that weight. We'll get our shit together. We'll set a goal to get laid by July.
But the truth is that we go to bed on the last day of one year and wake up on the first day of another year. The difference between the two is a matter of moments. We get up and the same dirty dishes are in our sinks. We make a fresh pot of coffee and maybe we even wash those dishes. But the trash can is still half full. We might wait until day three or four before it's ready to be emptied. We put it into the shed next to the bag that's been there since the beginning of the last week of the previous year. After another week they look about the same.
So I read my little year end wrap ups and look at my new years resolutions and I find that they all say the same thing. No really, this time I'm going to loose that weight. This time I'm going to get my shit together. This time I'm going to improve. On and on the resolutions go. It's funny how each year they end up being the same thing.
Each year we decide to do the same things. We decide to get better. We decide to push on.
Maybe that's all we can do. Maybe all we really can decide at the start of another year is to do it again.
All we can do is live.
posted by Mark at 12:11 AM
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